


Vomiting Petals

by hanjaebidi



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hanahaki Disease
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2019-10-25
Packaged: 2021-01-02 19:42:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21166862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hanjaebidi/pseuds/hanjaebidi
Summary: Do we have to suffer just because our heart chose to love someone that is so unreachable?





	Vomiting Petals

_Cough, cough._ Blood, petals and red.

_ Cough, cough_. Red carnations falling from a pie hole.

_Cough, cough._ Chanyeol is the given name.

"Why is your bathtub full of red carnation?" my mom asked. I looked at her, my tired eyes trying to squint as I do.

I closed my eyes, "Mom, they're beautiful right?" I asked back. Avoiding any more questions that might form in her head.

"They are. But, where did they come from? It's too much!"

"I bought them."

She asked me again why it's too many that it almost filled my tub. I told her I just love it. I have no choice but to do so. She left after so much convincing.

As soon as she left, I started coughing again. My chest begun constricting. I started to breath erratically as I tried to run towards the tub.

I buried myself deep in the tub full of carnations. My one hand clutching my chest whilst the other holding the shower curtain for support.

The nauseating feeling in my stomach causes me to puke. There's tears in my eyes as I watch, for many years now, myself vomiting petals of red carnation. 

**

I knew I was different. There is something weird about me that I can't even tell. When I was only five, I told my mom that my chest aches everyday. She said it's because I keep on playing until wee hours. I'm just tired of playing all day, mom assured me.

"Hey!"

I watched him as he dash towards me. His chestnut hair bouncing softly as he did. His smile is captivating and his eyes... Well, it's always the calmness of blue.

Chanyeol is a weird guy with weird habits. He's not one of those 'Popular type of guys' even with his looks. All because no one likes a guy who spends his time inside his house watching marvel movies and anime's. Or a guy who spend his weekends cleaning his collection of figures room.

But, I like him. I like him more than just a childhood best friend should be.

"Are you alright? You look sick!" 

I smile sheepishly at him, "I always look like this. Nothing knew" 

"You sure?" 

"yeah"

Butterflies and slow motions. Fleeting glances and then, crimson cheeks. With just one look at him, I was overwhelmed with so much feelings I tried so hard to hide. 

If I had known that feeling this much for him would made me like this, I would have chose not to. But I was young back then, and his azure eyes are beautiful, and captivating and assuring. 

But upon realizing how much I like him, it triggered something that was set deep within me ever since. 

The first time it happened, I thought it was a dream. The second time, my mind playing tricks with me. On the third, I visited a doctor. 

** Hanahaki disease. **

An illness that suffocates a person to death as flower blossoms in its chest cavity. The cause of it is because of one sided love. The patient vomits petals as a sign. Even non-stop coughing can be considered a symptoms. The only way to stop it, is if the person suffering from it undergo a surgery which would numb her emotions or die. If the person is lucky, it will stop if the feelings are returned. 

***

We're sitting on a bench in front of the lake. Our bare foot caressing the grass beneath. I'm looking at his reflection on the water whilst he sat there, whistling, eyes roaming around the area. 

"Tell a line in a poem or book you have read." he said, his azure eyes now staring at me. 

I swallowed the lump in my throat, my heart beating so fast as I searched for something in his eyes more than just the excitement it shows. I found none so I look away. 

"I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secrets, between the shadow and the soul" 

"Wow! That's heavy. Who wrote that?" 

"A poem by Pablo Neruda" 

And maybe I was him. Just the same thought running thru our minds. I could love in the dark just the same. I can love him in folly. 

"Ask me! Ask me!" he demanded, clapping his hands twice. 

I laughed at his childishness but end up asking, "Fine. . So what line in a poem or a book have you read?"

"I love you"

My eyes went wide. My hands started shaking as the pain in my chest crawl through my every veins. "Wha- what?" I exhaled. My breath becoming labored. 

The excruciating pain is starting to act again but then, his in front of me, unaware of my struggle as he smiled so genuinely at me. 

"Remember the girl I like in sixth grade? She wrote me a poem yesterday. There's 'I love you' at the end and it's the most beautiful word I have read ever since!"

I can write those too. If he wants me to write it in an eighty page book, I would. But there she is, his sixth grade love, writing him a poem with only the three words existing once in that whole sheet of paper I could fill more. 

I went home alone, red carnations falling off my mouth.

"Goodness Seri! What is happening to you?" 

"Mom. ." I said, my lips quivering as I stared at the bloody petals scattered around me. 

I'm scared. I'm so scared that after hiding it for so long, mom finally finds out about the secret I've tried so hard to hide. So I told her. From how it all started up to the only solution we could take risk.

She became hysteric, pacing back and forth as she analyze the things. Trying to comprehend every little detail in her mind. 

She stood in front of me, tears sliding down her rosy cheeks. "Why does it have to be you, my love?" 

I bit my lips, trying to stop myself from bursting through tears. I won't cry. I won't let my mom see me as a weak girl who have to die just because she fell in love. 

"It will end, mom. It will stop." I assured her. 

"How should it end Seri? Should you die? Should you undergo a surgery that will numb you till the day you die?" 

"Mom. ."

"I won't let that happen! I can go to him. I can convince him to try to like you! You're charming, beautiful, intelligent and such, I can ask him about it" 

"You will do no such thing mom!" I yell, my body numbing from too much force I put into it. "You- you can't. I beg you!" 

I started to cry. My chest constricting as I tried to catch my breath. I tried so hard to stop myself from crying in front of her but now, I am. 

All because I'm hating myself for being pathetically in love with my friend. For having such powerful feelings over someone who's oblivious of the things around him. 

Chanyeol didn't deserve to be hated just because this stupid heart of mine decided to love him. He didn't deserve to be hated especially by my mom just because her daughter is dying for a love he could never give. 

"He doesn't need to know any of this, mom. Please, just this once. I beg of you."

My mom slept the whole night beside me. Imprisoning me in her arms, red carnations surrounding us.

***

Thousands of seconds and hundreds of hours. Time ticking by and heart beating fast. Stomach churning and chest aching. 

Sometimes, I wish I didn't learn how to love him. I wish I didn't fell for his childish acts. To the way he bounced off his seat whenever he would tell me how he rearranged his collections. Of how excitement fills his eyes when he tells me how the new episode of his favorite anime goes. 

I wish I learned how to control the love I could give, so that I could give a special place in my heart for him to store. 

Because I had given too much and it breaks my heart to core.

***

We are eating ice cream in front of the store we used to hang out since we were kids. He is wearing his favorite yellow shirt with Spidermans face in it. 

It's a sweltering afternoon. But even with the warmness, I am here. With him. With my heart throbbing painfully.

"What's with the treat?" I asked, licking the melted icecream on the side. 

He smiled, so bright, so blinding. The kind of smile that even the sun can't be compared because it's the smile that had lightened my world many years now. 

"I have good news to tell!" he said, his smile never fading. What makes you smile like that today? 

"What is it? Did you get another anime figure?" 

"Oh! Much more than that actually" 

"Tell me"

"Remember my sixth grade love? We're dating now!" 

I always knew he will never be mine. I could try. After all, the opportunity were laid in front of me for so long. But I didn't take the risk. 

Because while it is at my advantage, I didn't want to risk the bond we build together. Molded by passing time. 

"I'm happy." I said, tears brimming in the corners of my eyes. 

My chest started to ache, beads of sweat forming in my face. My breathing slowly becoming shallow. My vision getting blurry as I held the chair I was sitting for support. 

Why now? Why do you have to attack me today? 

"Seri! He-hey! Can you he-"

He is wearing yellow but all I see red.

***

_Beep. Beep. Beep. _

White. _Blink_. White

I squint my eyes as I try to analyze where I am. 

White. _Blink_. White

Hospital. 

I feel nauseated with the place. The white color of the room and the curtains are suffocating. I noticed a striped carnation on the table near the window. I cackled, almost bitter. I tried to sit, the hospital bed creaking a bit.

"You're awake"

I looked at my side, where the voice came from. There he sat, his brows furrowed as he looked back at me. 

"When do you plan on telling me your situation?"

I don't plan on telling him. I never wanted him to know. I was succeeding in hiding it from him. But who knew, fate could play such a dirty game. 

"I-I'm sorry" I muttered. I don't know if he heard it but I wish he do because now that the secret I've been trying so hard to keep are revealed to the person who barely had nothing, really, to do with it. I feel guilty. 

There's nothing more hurtful than being lied to from your friend, I know that. And I don't want to see it. I don't want to witness him losing it because he was tricked. 

"I'm sorry too" 

With those words, I can't help but look. And It breaks my heart to see him wrecked like this. Conflicted, confused, unsure of everything. 

"why?" it came out hoarse but he heard it because he answered.

"It's because of me, right?" 

And maybe, it's time to tell. "yeah" 

***

At this very young age, I fell. I found out what love feels like. I experienced all the good and bad things that causes love. How it was formed. How it can destroy. 

I once read a question from a book. What was it like to love him? The author answered, gratitude.

Considering that I had love him more than something I could bear, I also protected him from me. I protected him from my dying self. 

Maybe I did the right thing. I don't know anymore. I don't wanna know anymore. 

Everything must end. Everything has to end. 

Too much feelings makes you numb. 

At this very young age, with too much feelings floating inside, I die.

_“I love you because I know no other ways than this: where I does not exist nor you.”_


End file.
